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Thursday, November 04, 2004

MEN! BAH! 
SO...I JUST READ A CERTAIN BLOG.....AND IT SEEMS THAT THIS PERSON THINKS I ACT LIKE HIS EX WIFE.....MORE THAN HE WVER THOUGHT I COULD. WELL....I CAN EASILY TELL YOU WHY MR.....

BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN TREATING ME THE SAME WAY YOU TREATED HER....IN ALOT OF WAYS.

THEN TOO.......I AM DEFINITELY AN EMOTIONAL PERSON LATELY.....I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT THIS YEAR....AND YOU HAVE HELPED.......AND MADE IT WORSE.........

MOSTLY RIGHT NOW THE ATTITUDE IS BECAUSE OF YOU.......WHAT YOU HAVE DONE LATELY..........ALL THAT WONDERFUL SHIT. YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST BE PERFECTLY OK WITH BEING JUST YOUR FRIEND.......KNOWING HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU......JUST BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE ALL MIGHTY TONY WANTS........OF COURSE THAT IS GONNA MAKE ME ACT FUNNY.......I AM TRYING TO OVER-RIDE MY OWN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY..........AND AM ENDING UP MAKING MYSELF UNHAPPY.......YOU DON'T THINK THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME ACT MOODY AND UNPREDICTABLE?

THEN TOO........NOV 13TH IS ALMOST UPON US........I AM SURE I DON'T NEED TO REMIND YOU OF THE IMPORTANCE OF THAT DATE!! THAT FACT ALONE IS BOTHERING THE HELL OUT OF ME........I AM TRYING SOOOO HARD TO BE BRAVE....ACT HAPPY........ACT LIKE NOTHING IS BOTHERING ME AT ALL......AND IT IS DESTROYING ME.......KILLING MORE AND MORE OF ME EVERY DAY.

AS FOR YOU CLAIMING YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO NIKI.........I AM SORRY........BUT I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ON THIS SUBJECT........YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO PROVE THAT ONE.........BUT I DON'T THINK YOU WILL EVEN BOTHER TO TRY AND PROVE IT........I BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL CHATTING ON THE FIRE VIA PRIVATE MESSAGE.......AND I WILL UNTIL YOU PROVE ME WRONG.......I HAVE AN IDEA ON HOW TO DO THAT......BUT I DON'T THINK YOU WILL WANT TO OBLIGE ME.........SO FUCK IT.

I DO STILL TRUST YOU ON ALL ELSE........MOSTLY........I JUST CAN'T TRUST YOU WHERE NIKI IS CONCERNED.....I AM SORRY IF THAT BOTHERS YOU.....OR HURTS YOU........BUT IF YOU THINK A MINUTE........YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY.

I LOVE YOU TONY..........I REALLY DO........AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FROM YOU..........I JUST ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO GIVE IT TO ME..........BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT....I WISH IT WERE OTHERWISE......I HONESTLY DO............

MEANWHILE.........I DO ENJOY OUR DAYS TOGETHER........BEING ALONE HERE JUST YOU AND ME.......PLAYING GAMES.........DOING NORMAL STUFF.........BEING SILLY.........IT IS AWESOME........I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.......I WISH IT COULD ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

ANYWAYS........I AM GONNA CALL IT A DAY PEEPS..........AND DO SOME WORK AROUND MY HOUSE........I AM GONNA MOVE MY COMPUTER DESK TODAY.......PUT IT WHERE I CAN SEE THE TV WITHOUT HAVING TO TURN ALL THE WAY AROUND TO DO IT..........LAZY?....YES.........BUT OH WELL.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I HATE BEING RIGHT! 
SO..MY BIG BROTHER IS USUALLY ONLINE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING BEFORE HE HAS TO WORK.....SO I LOG INTO YAHOO TO CHAT WITH HIM........OTHERWISE..........I WOULD PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE TO TALK TO HIM.
ANYWAYS: I GUESS HE HAS BEEN ASKING TONY IF THERE IS ANY HOPE FOR ME AND HIM.......AND I GUESS TONY IS OF THE OPINION THAT THERE HAS BEEN TOO MUCH DAMAGE TO OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP. FUCKING SUCKS ASS HUH!..........ANYWAYS.....THAT IS NOT WHAT I HATED FINDING OUT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT.

THAT WAS: NIKI.........TONY VERIFIED TO MIKEY THAT YES......HE STILL TALKS TO NIKI. AND.........IF YOU TAKE A PEEK AT THE COMMENT TO YESTERDAYS POST BELOW.............YOU WILL SEE THAT NIKI DECIDED TO RUB IT IN MY FACE........SHE POSTED A MESSAGE FROM TONY TO HER.

YOU KNOW.........I AM TRYING TO THINK NOTHING BUT GOOD OF TONY.........BUT.........HE JUST MAKES IT SO DAMNED HARD LATELY..........HE ACTS ALL INNOCENT AND LIKE HE IS NOT TALKING TO HER.........THEN........HE IS CHATTING ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS WITH HER. I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE SHIT ANYMORE..............I NEED TO DO SOMETHING............I STILL LOVE HIM DEARLY........AND REALLY........TO BE HONEST..........ALL I WANT IS A HAPPY LIFE WITH HIM.

BUT..........HE IS AFRAID OF COMMITMENT...........AND THAT IS SOOOOO UNFAIR........AND SHITTY.
WELL TONY.........FUCK YOU! MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT.........YOU DON'T DESERVE ME...........EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE THE MAN I WANT............I CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE.........AND THAT HURTS ME EVEN MORE.................I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I KNOW I CAN'T STAND TO THE SIDE AND WATCH YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN...........I JUST CAN'T........SO..........MAYBE I NEED TO LEAVE..........IT BREAKS MY HEART TO EVEN CONSIDER IT...........BUT.......WHY WASTE MY TIME ON A MAN TOOOOO FUCKING STUBBORN TO OPEN HIS HEART TO ME..........AND GIVE HAPPINESS A FIGHTING CHANCE.

I JUST WANNA DIE RIGHT NOW......PLAIN AND SIMPLE............AND YES............IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU AND THIS NIKI SHIT.........YOU AND YOUR LACK OF COMMITMENT.

FUCK THE WORLD...........I WANT OUT OF IT.

Monday, November 01, 2004

DOING PRETTY GOOD 
YEAH..I GUESS I AM. .....CONSIDERING EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED.
SURE...I HAVE MY MOMENTS.........AND SOME SERIOUS MOOD SWINGS.........BUT THE WORSE PROBLEM.......NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH TONY........THAT SEEMS TO HAVE RIGHTED ITSELF.
WE SPENT TODAY DOING MOSTLY NOTHING........PLAYING VIDEO GAMES........ACTUALLY, HIM PLAYING WITH ME SITTING IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO HIM WATCHING.
WE DID PLAY MY NEW GAME.........LORD OF THE RINGS: 3.......FOR A WHILE........I HAD TO CALL IT QUITS.......IT WAS AGITATING ME AND PLAYING HELL WITH MY EYES.....IT IS A FUN GAME....BUT THEY TRIED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE..........SO IT IS REALLY HARD TO SEE YOURSELF WHEN IN COMBAT MODE.........TOO BAD THEY FUCKED IT UP LIKE THAT.

MSN HAS BEEN FUCKING UP ALOT LATELY.......TODAY I NOTICED THAT SOME OF TONY'S CONTACTS HAVE APPEARED ON MY BUDDY LIST.......4 TO BE EXACT. 3 I DON'T KNOW.......1 I WISH I DIDN'T. OH WELL......CAN;T WIN THEM ALL.

ANYWAYS..........I AM GONNA WATCH THE MAN PLAY SOME MORE........THEN HEAD OFF TO BED.
V-I DELETED THAT MEMBER ON THE BOARD..........I HONESTLY HAVE NO CLUE WHO IT WAS OR WHY THEY PICKED THAT SCREEN NAME.

HHMMMM..........WEIRD........ANYWAYS..............G'NITE EVERYONE.

NOT MUCH TO TELL 
DIDN'T DO MUCH THIS WEEKEND.

HAD A FIGHT WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.........SO I DECIDED TO QUIT PLAYING LIVE D&D FOR A WHILE. I AM TIRED OF THIS ONE PERSON ALWAYS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HOW I PLAY. FUCK IT......

TONY SAID MAYBE HE CAN CREATE A 1 PERSON DUNGEON FOR ME TO PLAY.......SO MAYBE I CAN LEARN BETTER WITHOUT THE CRITICISM. MAYBE.

KIDS WENT TRICK OR TREATING WITH THEIR DAD........SO.........I TOOK TONY OUT FOR DINNER AT CHILI'S....IT WAS NICE TO HAVE A NIGHT OUT.........JUST THE 2 OF US.........FELT GOOD.

I AM STILL LIVING IN MY LITTLE DELUSIONAL LAND WHERE TONY DOES NOT TALK TO NIKI AT ALL.......PROBLEM IS.....I KNOW IT IS A DELUSION.........I KNOW HE CHATS WITH HER ONLINE AFTER I GO TO BED.........OR ANYTIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE.......AND THAT HE CALLS HER ANYTIME HE GOES ANYWHERE OR I DO. IT SUCKS.........AND IT HURTS.

MOSTLY........BECAUSE I ASKED HIM NOT TO TALK TO THAT 1 PERSON.....OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.......AND HE CAN'T DO THAT ONE THING FOR ME........NOT EVEN TO HELP ME GET OVER........ALL THIS.

WHAT MAKES IT WORSE..........IS HIM DOING IT BEHIND MY BACK......MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HE THINKS I AM STUPID....LIKE HE THINKS I DON'T REALIZE WHAT HE IS DOING. WELL.......I DO KNOW........I KNOW BECAUSE I WOKE UP LAST NIGHT TO HEAR HIS TYPING.....AND IT WAS HIM CHATTING WITH HER.......I KNOW BECAUSE I SEE THAT THEY ARE BOTH ONLINE AT A CERTAIN MESSAGE BOARD THEY BELONG TO.......AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM GONNA BELIEVE THEY ARE NOT SENDING PRIVATE MESSAGES TO EACH OTHER.......TONY CAN'T LIE TO ME THAT WELL....... I COULD SEE IT IN HIS EYES WHEN I ASKED HIM.......I AM WILLING TO BET THAT IF I ASKED HIM TO SHOW ME HIS INCOMING AND OUTGOING CALLS ON HIS CELL PHONE........NIKI'S NAME WOULD SHOW UP.

FUCK IT........THIS IS WHY I AM TRYING TO DISTANCE MYSELF......I CAN'T AFFORD TO DO OTHERWISE.....I STILL LOVE HIM.......AND WOULD DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR HIM.......BUT.......I JUST CAN'T........HMMMM.........I CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE WHAT I MEAN.

I AM TRYING TO KEEP MY HEART OUT OF THIS.....I GUESS THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY.
I HAVE LOST SOME OF MY FAITH AND ALOT OF MY TRUST IN HIM BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE NIKI THING......AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET IT BACK......EVER......THEREFORE........I GOTTA DISTANCE MYSELF.

THE ONLY THING THAT WILL CHANGE THAT......IS 100% PROOF FROM HIM THAT HE HAS STOPPED CALLING/TALKING/CHATTING/PRIVATE MESSAGING HER FOR AT LEAST 2 WEEKS........OR SOME SORT OF ACTUAL COMMITMENT TO ME MADE BY HIM.........AND SINCE THOSE THINGS WILL NEVER HAPPEN......I KEEP MY EMOTIONAL DISTANCE.

I GOTTA GO.......I HAVE THERAPY TODAY........THAT IS MOSTLY WHY I POSTED THIS.......VENTING BEFORE I GET THERE MIGHT HELP ME TO NOT CRY WHEN I AM THERE........I HATE BREAKING DOWN IN THERAPY.......I HATE THE LOOK OF PITY AND SYMPATHY ON HER FACE.

LATER EVERYONE.............JAX

Thursday, October 28, 2004

GRRRR.;.... 
STUPID MSN............MESSENGER WOULD NOT LET ME SIGN IN ALL DAY..............


AND WHEN IT FINALLY DID...........IT BOOTED ME OFF AGAIN.

BEEN DOING THAT ALOT LATELY..........AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS A PROBLEM WITH MY COMPUTER.........UNTIL OTHER PEOPLE TOLD ME THEY WERE HAVING TROUBLES TOO. GUESS OLE GATES IS JUST TOOOOOO BUSY TO BOTHER WITH HAVING SOMEONE FIX IT OR UPDATE IT OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAYS..........I AM NOT DOING MUCH LATELY........BEEN IN A SLUMP.

MY PERSONAL LIFE IS SHIT..........I AM TRYING TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM TONY. I HAVE COME TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE BEEN HURT TOOO BY HIM AND HIS ACTIONS LATELY TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE.

ANYWAYS..........THAT IS THE NEWS FROM HERE.

MAYBE I CAN CATCH YA ONLINE TOMORROW V..........IF MSN WORKS THEN.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

bullshit 
I AM SURROUNDED BY BULLSHIT.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT............IT KEEPS HURTING ME........AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I AM TURNING INTO A ROYAL BITCH........AND I HATE IT.........I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT.

I JUST WANT TO BE NICE AND LOVING AGAIN.......WITHOUT THE DAILY DOSES OF EMOTIONAL PAIN.

IS THAT TOOO MUCH TO ASK?



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